I very simply need to write, out of experience, and stories and what I experience.
I dont pretend to have all the answers, and I don’t think anyone actually has them all.
For me , all I really know is that He is a part of my ordinary everyday life. I don’t think I have formally prayed for quite some time , but its been one long conversation. Sometimes I just ask Jesus things, and sometimes I really need a Daddy, a friend, and someone who will simply sit with me and love me despite my cantankerous ways at times.
I am a pretty straight forward and honest person. I say it how I see it. I get exhausted with large social situations and lose my cool over really ridiculous things at times. Lately, its been harder. As I look back and sit with the Lord, I realize it was a process. That the gentle, kind, funny, loving , wild, and untamable me began to hide again.
I started to believe lies again about who I am , and accept behaviors as acceptable , and treated little sins and things that aggravated me became OK. I have had a terrible habit for years of using sarcasm as a way of protecting myself and I found myself stuck in yet another familiar cycle– depression and rage/anger .
The bible is clear about that (Ephesians 3 or 4 I will have to check) where it says to cast those things aside– I wondered , when did I start to accept them? What triggered this?
It culminated into a stupid sin. I don’t need to share it, because I have repented and poured out my heart to God– and His response was akin to two things
I felt like the woman caught in the act of adultery and Jesus just held me , like He did her perhaps and said “Go and sin no more!” Basically, get over your stuff, its not you, and you dont have to ever choose that again. (it wasn’t adultery , promise, just a great illustration of what it felt like in that moment with God) .
The second thing that stuck out to me was the fact that He didn’t point out the sin, or anything like that. There was no judgement of the sin– nope. He showed me this picture of me running, right past him into the ditch, past my identity as a daughter and choosing to partner with hopelessness and instant gratification, not patience or steadfastness. I chose to dig myself out of the ditch after a very powerful question arose, post sin in the trench.
“I dont feel guilty but i should, and i feel guilt and condemnation over that!”
somewhere along the way i lost the feeling in my gut that always showed me the right path because id been filling myself up with junk, and eating the wrong stuff. I outright gave up and pain, depression and fear led the way through a brief wilderness camp adventure id rather never live again.
What broke my heart in the midst of a choice, and the pain of not feeling pain over this choice that created a barrier between me and God was the truth that I had chosen to not be the daughter and trust my father . I chose lies over truth and fear over hope.
God cares more about our hearts more oft then not, and he wants to go deeper with us.
He cares so much about us, and with his gift of free will (which i have no understanding of) I chose something different when He always chooses me. He is so faithful to me . We can look at the OT and see His faithfulness with Israel, over and over again. He says “Those are my kids, they be actin stupid, but they will clean up. just wait and see . They are my jewel , my treasure and i delight in them.”
Never mind the fact that Israel has always been slightly wishy washy, and complained even when miracles happened in the desert ! Goodness. No shoes or clothes wearing out for 40 years and food from heaven.. but I catch myself complain too.
“i dont have …” when I know, by faith, even meager mustard seed size faith , that He is good and always keeps me safe. He is good, kind and merciful. He is loving when I am everything but. He is everything — the water for my soul that I need every single day.
This has been a long post, and I am tired. These are just unorganized thoughts and I am pretty sure, no one actually reads this. I am okay with that .
as for me and my house , id rather be a real honest and loving christian , willing to say “I was wrong, forgive me ” to both man and God, because it is such a waste of time to hold onto shame or fear or pain.
He is GOOD. He is for you.