Purity , an honest conversation

There’s a story I need to tell you. One of love and betrayal and control , and settling.

For many years I was involved with a man who denied me and him were together. Our chemistry was electrifying and it was fun being with him. We had some great times, more than the sex it was person to person connection. The problem was I was his secret and I didn’t want to be. He wasn’t married and we were together through so much. But his fear of judgement from people around our mutual friends and former associates  kept him from shouting to the rooftops “I love this woman and she loves me !” . He said he didn’t want anyone to know so he could protect me .

Recently I had an opportunity to hang with him, and I told him no. I told him to go home. Disappointment and wondering why we couldn’t do the same old thing we used to do linger in necessary conversations and there is a wall.

These are the words I don’t know how to express to him.

 I said go home because I couldn’t be your secret lover anymore and be satisfied momentarily to sacrifice something beautiful , something I have been pursuing , and that is purity. 

I can’t walk into the place of my employment with shame and unhealthy choices as my friends anymore. I may not be perfect but today I choose Jesus . I choose to continue to live my life for him, and wait . Because HE really loves me, and I can’t be a secret Christian anymore. I won’t hide my deep spiritual longings under new age phrases , or let myself be dragged back into a relationship where you’re ashamed of me. 

What I want is a husband , who proudly proclaims ” she is mine !” And when that day comes I want to be the pure bride the lord has called me to be.

These are the words , I cannot utter aloud.

But wait there’s more.

I said no because I finally value myself enough to know I’m worth being seen, known, and celebrated . I’m worth the wait, I’m worth the effort, and I’m someone’s princess . I’m worth the big wedding, and the honeymoon in Paris . I’m worth it.

I’m not made to be hidden in a dark house, in a den of thieves . Though the pleasure be great, I want something that lasts a lifetime. I want to be someone’s Mrs.

I am worth it.

In the process of this door I kept open it became a choice. I faced a battle alone, but what I’m discovering is there is something in coming out of this closet of shame.

You see , I know who I am , and God never stopped loving me , or forgiving me . He never threw a stone, when I deserved death, even when I was courting temptation. I must live at a higher standard because the girl who I was all those years with him, isn’t there anymore.

It took me some time to arrive at this point spiritually , emotionally , and even physically but for my battles I have won, for the journey I am on, and for my children and my family for generations to come I declare this today ;

As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord .


Transition, Volcanos and Flowers ..

“You are never more vulnerable than when in transition “ says Lance Wallnau.

And boy oh boy is he right .
I find myself seeking stability, but everything is shifting sands in the desert.
And then He speaks — Its like God knows me or something . (ha ha )

He showed me two pictures: A volcano and a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my desk.
I googled volcanos and the search came up with volcanos and earthquakes .. and life on this earth, the brevity of it is based on the fact that the surface doesn’t change too much, unless of course were on an active volcano .

There is so much deeper within the earth , so much turmoil and twisting , rumbling and bumbling. The bible speaks about the earth many times in the bible, and one of those verses is the earth itself cries out to God.

Beneath us the tectonic plates shift and move. Our planet orbits and turns creating day and night. This balance of movement means we are actually never really standing still, and that things are never going to stay the same . Take it as you will , but today the Lord said this to me,

“Bursting with beauty” .

Bursting , violently forth out of the skin of my insecurities and fears , out of the ground, where I’ve hidden for so long that I cannot imagine light , except I am becoming more aware that I AM is the light in me, and HE named me . He called me . My name even means LIGHT !

Who we are called means something .
It is in transition that we either embrace him in the storms of life and trust or we throw a fit and eventually realize we have been safe all along in his arms .

We are guaranteed there will be problems and storms and upsets . It is called being human.
But we are also guaranteed that in the midst of the movement beneath us, something new is rising up and what is coming is beyond what we expect, if we let our light shine and choose to say yes to him , and that is when ladies and gentlemen, we become violently beautiful, dangerous to the enemy. That is when we roar his goodness. and that is when we take the territory back from the enemy, punch him in the face and say “It may look barren now, but have you ever heard about hawaii ? Thats what I’m becoming ! This is my island, and this is the Lords.”

Our praise silences the enemy and as we cry out to HIM , we become more alive, more thankful and BAM there is a light . What if the temporary feelings you’re experiencing are trying to hold you back from who God has called you to be ? What if it took one deep breath, one more moment of faith to rise up out of the ground and become the fierce , and powerful person you were called to be ?

Your story does not end today, and your history with God is just beginning . It takes bravery and courage and trust, especially when all we feel are the tectonic plates shifting beneath the earth right beneath us.

What is He saying to you today ? Close your eyes and stand still and for one moment just trust that he has an answer , and if you don’t hear or feel anything , just wait and see cause whats about to burst out of you is the answer you’ve been looking for all along.

You were made to shine, so shine victorious ones, and remember who calls you His .