Purity , an honest conversation

There’s a story I need to tell you. One of love and betrayal and control , and settling.

For many years I was involved with a man who denied me and him were together. Our chemistry was electrifying and it was fun being with him. We had some great times, more than the sex it was person to person connection. The problem was I was his secret and I didn’t want to be. He wasn’t married and we were together through so much. But his fear of judgement from people around our mutual friends and former associates  kept him from shouting to the rooftops “I love this woman and she loves me !” . He said he didn’t want anyone to know so he could protect me .

Recently I had an opportunity to hang with him, and I told him no. I told him to go home. Disappointment and wondering why we couldn’t do the same old thing we used to do linger in necessary conversations and there is a wall.

These are the words I don’t know how to express to him.

 I said go home because I couldn’t be your secret lover anymore and be satisfied momentarily to sacrifice something beautiful , something I have been pursuing , and that is purity. 

I can’t walk into the place of my employment with shame and unhealthy choices as my friends anymore. I may not be perfect but today I choose Jesus . I choose to continue to live my life for him, and wait . Because HE really loves me, and I can’t be a secret Christian anymore. I won’t hide my deep spiritual longings under new age phrases , or let myself be dragged back into a relationship where you’re ashamed of me. 

What I want is a husband , who proudly proclaims ” she is mine !” And when that day comes I want to be the pure bride the lord has called me to be.

These are the words , I cannot utter aloud.

But wait there’s more.

I said no because I finally value myself enough to know I’m worth being seen, known, and celebrated . I’m worth the wait, I’m worth the effort, and I’m someone’s princess . I’m worth the big wedding, and the honeymoon in Paris . I’m worth it.

I’m not made to be hidden in a dark house, in a den of thieves . Though the pleasure be great, I want something that lasts a lifetime. I want to be someone’s Mrs.

I am worth it.

In the process of this door I kept open it became a choice. I faced a battle alone, but what I’m discovering is there is something in coming out of this closet of shame.

You see , I know who I am , and God never stopped loving me , or forgiving me . He never threw a stone, when I deserved death, even when I was courting temptation. I must live at a higher standard because the girl who I was all those years with him, isn’t there anymore.

It took me some time to arrive at this point spiritually , emotionally , and even physically but for my battles I have won, for the journey I am on, and for my children and my family for generations to come I declare this today ;

As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord .


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