Post Relationship Healing

Honest post here people.

I let him get in too deep with me . I trusted him too quickly, and I knew it was wrong. I was accused of “leading him on” when really , he didn’t know who he was and I just wanted to be loved.

After he threatens shooting himself in the head , calls me crazy , and tells me “maybe you should slit your wrists ”
amongst other things , and then hearing how he talked behind my back?

Hell NO .

Do I regret kissing him? Yes.

Do I regret meeting him? Not entirely.

When I discovered I didn’t want to be his nurturer , his caretaker or that I didnt want someone to take care of me , I took a break. I felt the Lord calling me back to HIM. It had become my job to fill my boyfriends God spot and He wanted mine. I wasn’t having it.

A week later everything blew up because its just not normal to have panic attacks every time you talk on the phone while he asks the hard question that you simply have to answer because if you dont now,
in 6 months you’ll be the one dead on the floor.

He lied, and led me on, and maybe I lied and led him on.
It doesn’t matter .

Abuse is abuse . and no-one should ever tell you that you are worthless in their words, actions or the like.

Heres the thing though in all of this .
I am stronger because I opened myself up to love again.
I am aware of WHO I am , and I wouldn’t have gained what I have without him.

He is a good guy, he is kind, and loving and I never doubted his love for me . He is good to others and generous, almost too much. He has his stuff to work out though, like all of us.
He is forgiven and I forgive him.

Now with that in mind I set the boundaries. I changed my phone number because he got super weird and stalker like. I have a plan for if he comes to either one of my work places and if he tries to hurt me or becomes verbally/emotionally abusive towards me again, I will not tolerate it. I will have no compassion, because in those moments ladies and gentlemen, rejecting the lies he throws at me is more important than caring for him.

 

I place him in Gods hands and I leave him there, and my only assignment is to pray.

I want nothing to do with him. Nothing.

One day in heaven we may talk. But here on earth, Ive had enough.

Because Love is supposed to be protective , caring and healthy , and in order to love I must love myself too. Love who I am , love my process, LOVE my God who rescued me again!

I choose to lean on grace, walk out my freedom daily as HIS mercies are new every day and I am not a victim anymore , but I am victorious .

I will love again, and next time it will be better then ever .

 

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Purity , an honest conversation

There’s a story I need to tell you. One of love and betrayal and control , and settling.

For many years I was involved with a man who denied me and him were together. Our chemistry was electrifying and it was fun being with him. We had some great times, more than the sex it was person to person connection. The problem was I was his secret and I didn’t want to be. He wasn’t married and we were together through so much. But his fear of judgement from people around our mutual friends and former associates  kept him from shouting to the rooftops “I love this woman and she loves me !” . He said he didn’t want anyone to know so he could protect me .

Recently I had an opportunity to hang with him, and I told him no. I told him to go home. Disappointment and wondering why we couldn’t do the same old thing we used to do linger in necessary conversations and there is a wall.

These are the words I don’t know how to express to him.

 I said go home because I couldn’t be your secret lover anymore and be satisfied momentarily to sacrifice something beautiful , something I have been pursuing , and that is purity. 

I can’t walk into the place of my employment with shame and unhealthy choices as my friends anymore. I may not be perfect but today I choose Jesus . I choose to continue to live my life for him, and wait . Because HE really loves me, and I can’t be a secret Christian anymore. I won’t hide my deep spiritual longings under new age phrases , or let myself be dragged back into a relationship where you’re ashamed of me. 

What I want is a husband , who proudly proclaims ” she is mine !” And when that day comes I want to be the pure bride the lord has called me to be.

These are the words , I cannot utter aloud.

But wait there’s more.

I said no because I finally value myself enough to know I’m worth being seen, known, and celebrated . I’m worth the wait, I’m worth the effort, and I’m someone’s princess . I’m worth the big wedding, and the honeymoon in Paris . I’m worth it.

I’m not made to be hidden in a dark house, in a den of thieves . Though the pleasure be great, I want something that lasts a lifetime. I want to be someone’s Mrs.

I am worth it.

In the process of this door I kept open it became a choice. I faced a battle alone, but what I’m discovering is there is something in coming out of this closet of shame.

You see , I know who I am , and God never stopped loving me , or forgiving me . He never threw a stone, when I deserved death, even when I was courting temptation. I must live at a higher standard because the girl who I was all those years with him, isn’t there anymore.

It took me some time to arrive at this point spiritually , emotionally , and even physically but for my battles I have won, for the journey I am on, and for my children and my family for generations to come I declare this today ;

As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord .

Transition, Volcanos and Flowers ..

“You are never more vulnerable than when in transition “ says Lance Wallnau.

And boy oh boy is he right .
I find myself seeking stability, but everything is shifting sands in the desert.
And then He speaks — Its like God knows me or something . (ha ha )

He showed me two pictures: A volcano and a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my desk.
I googled volcanos and the search came up with volcanos and earthquakes .. and life on this earth, the brevity of it is based on the fact that the surface doesn’t change too much, unless of course were on an active volcano .

There is so much deeper within the earth , so much turmoil and twisting , rumbling and bumbling. The bible speaks about the earth many times in the bible, and one of those verses is the earth itself cries out to God.

Beneath us the tectonic plates shift and move. Our planet orbits and turns creating day and night. This balance of movement means we are actually never really standing still, and that things are never going to stay the same . Take it as you will , but today the Lord said this to me,

“Bursting with beauty” .

Bursting , violently forth out of the skin of my insecurities and fears , out of the ground, where I’ve hidden for so long that I cannot imagine light , except I am becoming more aware that I AM is the light in me, and HE named me . He called me . My name even means LIGHT !

Who we are called means something .
It is in transition that we either embrace him in the storms of life and trust or we throw a fit and eventually realize we have been safe all along in his arms .

We are guaranteed there will be problems and storms and upsets . It is called being human.
But we are also guaranteed that in the midst of the movement beneath us, something new is rising up and what is coming is beyond what we expect, if we let our light shine and choose to say yes to him , and that is when ladies and gentlemen, we become violently beautiful, dangerous to the enemy. That is when we roar his goodness. and that is when we take the territory back from the enemy, punch him in the face and say “It may look barren now, but have you ever heard about hawaii ? Thats what I’m becoming ! This is my island, and this is the Lords.”

Our praise silences the enemy and as we cry out to HIM , we become more alive, more thankful and BAM there is a light . What if the temporary feelings you’re experiencing are trying to hold you back from who God has called you to be ? What if it took one deep breath, one more moment of faith to rise up out of the ground and become the fierce , and powerful person you were called to be ?

Your story does not end today, and your history with God is just beginning . It takes bravery and courage and trust, especially when all we feel are the tectonic plates shifting beneath the earth right beneath us.

What is He saying to you today ? Close your eyes and stand still and for one moment just trust that he has an answer , and if you don’t hear or feel anything , just wait and see cause whats about to burst out of you is the answer you’ve been looking for all along.

You were made to shine, so shine victorious ones, and remember who calls you His .

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Another view of who God is to me

I very simply need to write, out of experience, and stories and what I experience.

I dont pretend to have all the answers, and I don’t think anyone actually has them all.

For me , all I really know is that He is a part of my ordinary everyday life. I don’t think I have formally prayed for quite some time , but its been one long conversation. Sometimes I just ask Jesus things, and sometimes I really need a Daddy, a friend, and someone who will simply sit with me and love me despite my cantankerous ways at times.

I am a pretty straight forward and honest person. I say it how I see it. I get exhausted with large social situations and lose my cool over really ridiculous things at times. Lately, its been harder. As I look back and sit with the Lord, I realize it was a process. That the gentle, kind, funny, loving , wild, and untamable me began to hide again.

I started to believe lies again about who I am , and accept behaviors as acceptable , and treated little sins and things that aggravated me became OK. I have had a terrible habit for years of using sarcasm as a way of protecting myself and I found myself stuck in yet another familiar cycle– depression and rage/anger .

The bible is clear about that (Ephesians 3 or 4 I will have to check) where it says to cast those things aside– I wondered , when did I start to accept them? What triggered this?

It culminated into a stupid sin. I don’t need to share it, because I have repented and poured out my heart to God– and His response was akin to two things

I felt like the woman caught in the act of adultery and Jesus just held me , like He did her perhaps and said “Go and sin no more!” Basically, get over your stuff, its not you, and you dont have to ever choose that again. (it wasn’t adultery , promise, just a great illustration of what it felt like in that moment with God) .

The second thing that stuck out to me was the fact that He didn’t point out the sin, or anything like that. There was no judgement of the sin– nope. He showed me this picture of me running, right past him into the ditch, past my identity as a daughter and choosing to partner with hopelessness and instant gratification, not patience or steadfastness. I chose to dig myself out of the ditch after a very powerful question arose, post sin in the trench.

“I dont feel guilty but i should, and i feel guilt and condemnation over that!”

somewhere along the way i lost the feeling in my gut that always showed me the right path because id been filling myself up with junk, and eating the wrong stuff. I outright gave up and pain, depression and fear led the way through a brief wilderness camp adventure id rather never live again.

What broke my heart in the midst of a choice, and the pain of not feeling pain over this choice that created a barrier between me and God was the truth that I had chosen to not be the daughter and trust my father . I chose lies over truth and fear over hope.

God cares more about our hearts more oft then not, and he wants to go deeper with us.

He cares so much about us, and with his gift of free will (which i have no understanding of) I chose something different when He always chooses me. He is so faithful to me . We can look at the OT and see His faithfulness with Israel, over and over again. He says “Those are my kids, they be actin stupid, but they will clean up. just wait and see . They are my jewel , my treasure and i delight in them.”

Never mind the fact that Israel has always been slightly wishy washy, and complained even when miracles happened in the desert ! Goodness. No shoes or clothes wearing out for 40 years and food from heaven.. but I catch myself complain too.

“i dont have …” when I know, by faith, even meager mustard seed size faith , that He is good and always keeps me safe. He is good, kind and merciful. He is loving when I am everything but. He is everything — the water for my soul that I need every single day.

This has been a long post, and I am tired. These are just unorganized thoughts and I am pretty sure, no one actually reads this. I am okay with that .

as for me and my house , id rather be a real honest and loving christian , willing to say “I was wrong, forgive me ” to both man and God, because it is such a waste of time to hold onto shame or fear or pain.

He is GOOD. He is for you.

 

 

It will be alright

I am not even sure if anyone still reads my blogs, not that I blame them . if has not been easy and it has been a journey for me and my family. to ask people to stand by me when life has been one crisis after another, is unfair. So I won’t. Its not that that I don’t trust you, or like you, but if I don’t expect you to care for me and help me when I need it, then you cannot let me down.

Part of that line of thinking is self protecting, not necessarily what i am aiming for. I just want to be fair to my friends, and see who will stick around after I give them permission to leave me behind. I won’t let disappointment reign, i just need to know who is really my friend..part of that is deciding what relationships i want to focus on, and who i want to build relationship with.

I am becoming more aware that everyone isn’t my friend, nor wants to be.

I want genuine, real, loving, and open people n my life. people who love well, and care about the well being of others. People who don’t hide who they are when they are afraid. People who step out of the shadow of fear and inspire others to be fearless and real. Thats the kind of friend I want to be. I want to be an open book..this whole concept of a closed book relationship is stupid to me. Love each other and make relationship a priority. I only get you for a few months, lets not waste each others time shall we?

But hey, don’t worry… It will be alright. Now will my real friends please stand up?

Hope

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT
Your past does not determine your future
and todays feelings don’t determine forever
God is not ashamed or angry at you
He has not abandoned you–He is with you now
His love is SHALOM, deep and powerful
His love for you endures forever

Selah

There is no height or depth, heaven or hell experience in life
that can keep you from HIS peace, comfort
and absolutely powerful love.

BELOVED
Take this to heart.
Your life has a call on it, You have a purpose!
Cry out to God and tell Him everything
Jesus is your ally, your saviour~you are safe
Express your heart to the Lord
He is not afraid of your processes.

My Love, Kindness will not depart from you nor His covenant of peace and completeness
be moved for the Lord has compassion on you!

So I make this covenant with God–
That I will follow Him all the days of my life-
I will trust His ways and give Him everything.
I will not fear, for He is FOR ME so who can be against me?

I have the victory in Christ who overcame everything–
I am loved, You are loved
And it is going to be alright.

(Isaiah 54:10, Psalm 13, Jeremiah 29:11)
Nellie Jenkins

Updates!! Long time no ..writing?

Bethel is amazing. Honestly, everything in the last 5 months has been so intense, yet so beautiful.
I have watched God change the lives of my peers and seen myself grow exponentially in ways I never dreamed possible.
Life doesn’t stop though, even in a revival culture like Bethel. Life goes on.
Truth be told, I am learning some major things here, through situations I currently have no control over back home.

There is a tension in Faith vs circumstances. A tension that needs each other and at the same time, doesn’t need each other. In this season, I am learning complete dependence and learning identity. I am learning that prayer is powerful and because of who I am now, I am more capable not because I am strong, but rather because I am weak.

In His strength I find myself, cocooned in hope that won’t relent.

On February 12th, 2014 my 12 year old son tried to commit suicide.

Hope. Hope … through tears, through screaming alanis morisette songs at the top of my lungs into pillows between sobs, through poetry and songs, working through every emotion in the last few days has been the test of my faith, of my heart and helped me to see things in a new light. While I am unable to be there with him, I am simply trusting God.

I haven’t been allowed to talk to him yet. My kid knows though, thanks to my Mom though and good friends, my baby boy knows how deeply loved he is. Its almost an act of comfort to believe, and to hear the updates.

I have to choose to in this not so simple yet very simple situation that God is still God and surely, He is with my son. I do not have many words for this, or for anything right now. I can’t tell you how I am feeling most moments but if I operate from faith, then I have all I need. If I remain led by the holy spirit, and keep my eyes on HIM I know my son will overcome.

So if you are reading this I am asking for some help.

Pray for my son, Nick, and my entire family.
Pray that God continues to show up with provision. I know God is with us, but i long to see the hand of the Lord move in my family like never before.

If this has done anything it has only made me one mean mad prayer warrior mama bear who wont stand for the attacks of the enemy on my families lives anymore.

Much love to you all–
Nellie